watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
