so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
