Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
