Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Randomize
