Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
