You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Randomize
