I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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