So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
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