If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
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When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
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I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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