in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
