rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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