Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
