I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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