I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
