??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
