Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
