i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
they're like a gay fantastic four
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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