The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Randomize
