Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
