i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
