I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
cat food counts as protein by the way
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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