hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
