Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
