I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
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