I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
