Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
