i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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