Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
