you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Your cock deserves a montage
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Randomize
