Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
