A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
