You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
