You smell like a Billy Joel song
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
i think i scared a bird with my dick
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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