woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She told me I should be a condom model.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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