you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
