he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
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You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
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the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.