What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
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I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
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What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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