i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
