i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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