so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
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Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
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What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize