Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
