Someone shit on the floor
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
