Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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