I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well