upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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