it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
