i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
