But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
