just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
