the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i will never coherently bang her
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
