you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
