now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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