You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
