I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
