I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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