I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize