i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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