Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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