When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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