Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Randomize
