I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
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At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
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I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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