I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
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